Your Life's Direction

I recently purchased a program called "The Modern Siren". I'm not really sure how I feel about it. Some of the points have validity, but there are some visualization tools that seem a little strange to me. I'm not sure how or why they would be used. Two things that the speaker, Rori Raye, talked about when I was listening today really made me think:

• Look at a man as an opportunity to heal your past (consider any dates or relationships with a man free therapy!)
• You can see a progression in how you are on the inside by the guys that show up on the outside.

The second point really hit home. I've been doing a lot of work on myself for a long time, but it's been 4 years since I've been in a long term relationship. Until hearing that last point, I thought I had made some pretty good progress. Now, I'm not so sure. Thinking about Mr. Army makes me wonder since I've dating other guys that have clearly shown more interest. Why am I putting up with it or even thinking about it? Why don't I just tell him things aren't progressing the way I would like and say goodbye? That says something, and once again it comes back to my confidence and esteem (or lack thereof!). I know I deserve the best and to be treated like a queen. I know I'm a good person: compassionate, caring, fun to be around, responsible, etc. etc. and that any guy should feel lucky to have me around.....So why can't I act like that? This is the basis of "The Modern Siren" program. Apparently, Sirens are a part of mythology and were angelic women that were able to draw men to them with their strong, feminine vibes and nothing else. I'm going to try to put in place at least some of the strategies in this program since I might as well try something different!

My trip to Virginia to visit my best friend's twins really made me think about where I am in my life right now. My friend and I have had similar dating experiences but she is now married to a great guy and has the babies that she has been dreaming of. I'm so happy for her because she definitely deserves all of this happiness! On the other hand, her happiness has made me think more seriously about my life and how dissatisfied I am. I started my teaching job 11 years ago which was probably the last "big" thing to happen in my life. Since that time, I have experienced everyone else's life changing, except mine....so, what's the deal? My whole teaching career has been spent in one place, but after this school year, that will be coming to an end. My precious school will be closing and my close-knit family will transfer and be absorbed into a much larger, more complicated school. I am missing my friend and her twins terribly, sick of this winter weather, and dreading the end of this school year. It seems like this is a crossroad in my life and I am really wondering what direction my life should take...

WTF

So, I decided to call this post "WTF" because well, WTF! Apparently, the phone call didn't scare off Mr. Army because he called last Monday on his way back here.  He didn't seem too upset about the Facebook thing, which I think is weird. Personally, I'd be pretty ticked off! He told me he dated that girl about a year ago. You mean, you started dating her a year ago because she posted a picture of the two of you from this past fall!?

I asked him if he had any thoughts on the other messages and he said he liked me and liked spending time with me too. Okay...well.....that's why we haven't seen each other in almost three weeks???  I told him that I know he's been busy with work, but that he can call or text any time which would make me feel better knowing that he was at least thinking about me. I also told him that I didn't need anything to be sugarcoated and that I just wanted to be told the truth. He also agreed that he wanted the same in return. I reiterated again that if he wasn't that interested in me, it was okay, that I just wanted to know the truth. He said he wasn't dating anyone here or back home. I also asked why I don't hear from him on the weekends and got a lame response back. He's busy with his mom or at the Army base, etc....ok, whatever! I know it takes too much time to send his typical one word or phrase text! Ha! I feel like he wanted to see me that night, but didn't ask because I told him I was leaving for Virginia the next morning. I never even mentioned it because we haven't talked, so I think he was a little surprised. He told me to let him know that I got there safely. So confusing!

On Tuesday, I flew to Virginia for the week. That night around 6:30, I was deleting old text messages when to my surprise, Mr. Army called! I was so shocked! Turns out, he was returning my call (or was he???) because he asked if I called and then said he had a missed called from me. No, I didn't call. I felt so crappy saying that and so bummed out thinking he was calling because of what we talked about the night before. I almost started crying! I told him that I was surprised that he was calling. He seemed a little offended. He asked why and I said because of the time of day (since he was at work). What I really wanted to say is I was surprised since his communication is inconsistent! My phone didn't show that I called him but the friends I was visiting with in Virginia, without knowing what the other person said, thought he was calling to check on me, but didn't want to admit it. I don't know. Mr. Army seems to be playing the game well without doing something like that. On Thursday night he sent me a text asking how my week was going. It was very difficult, but I didn't respond until the next evening. As of now, I haven't heard from him. I guess he didn't get that it bothers me not to hear from him over the weekends! Duh!

I'm finishing the dating CD that I bought and plan on following The Rules. Mr. Army seems like a lost cause and I'm pretty much fed up. I just need someone else to date and then I can say goodbye!

Another One Bites the Dust....?

Well, I have had some questions about Mr. Army. Why don't I hear from him on weekends? Why can he be so inconsistent when responding to text messages? Why is he bothering to call or text once a week when he really doesn't act all that interested otherwise? I still don't know the answer to those questions. My mind, of course has many different answers, but who knows what is right. I'm not sure why I keep attracting men that don't seem to be interested in me more than a few months. I tried to do things differently this time. So much for trying to be upfront about eventually wanting a relationship. I haven't even slept with the guy! Have I been too available? Why is it so wrong to see a guy when he's got free time and I'm not busy or answer the phone when he calls or respond to a text message when he writes to me? I know, there needs to be a challenge, some mystery, but when I like someone, I just want to show that and I want the same thing back from him. I can't stand playing games...some people may say it's not a game, but it feels like that to me.

As of today, I haven't seen Mr. Army in two weeks and four days. He's supposedly been training and working late. The week before Valentine's Day, I talked to him on the phone once and got a few text messages, but nothing in depth (as usual). That weekend, for some reason I had a pretty strong feeling that I wouldn't hear from him again. Valentine's Day came and he sent me a text wishing me a happy day and asking what I was up to that week (a complete surprise). He called late that night. I sent him a text the next day (Tuesday) and he replied with a one word response on Thursday. I didn't write back. Yes, I know, something is going on. I get it, even though I really don't. The hardest thing has been discovering weeks ago that he has a Facebook page, created by it seems, a scorned lover. The only post on his Wall is a warning to all ladies not to date him. Great! I've wanted to talk to him for weeks about it (his ex is obviously a little nuts at least!), as well as ask him where we stand, yet we haven't seen each other. Figures, I finally want to talk to a guy and not text, and we don't see each other. I know this situation is a waste of time, but in true "Stacy No Confidence nor Strength" fashion, I ended up calling him over the weekend and leaving him a message about the Facebook thing, as well as telling him how I've been feeling confused about things. It's not like we spent a lot of time together, but I was starting to like him a lot. Really though, I know I deserve better and I should be able to let this go. The phone call pretty much sealed the deal as far as not hearing from him again. I don't know why I can't just end something with a guy which is what I should have done here instead of the phone call. I guess I always want to believe there is hope and things aren't they way they seem.

Why do I do that??? I should be able to just let it go. He's obviously not interested in me! It's not like we spent a lot of time together, but I was starting to like him a lot. Really though, I know I deserve better and I should be able to let this go. I should be able to move on and not think twice, but instead I make myself anxious over it. I stay up half the night planning out what I want to say when we talk. I daydream about how I wish things could be different. It's absolutely ridiculous and then I end up feeling terrible about how weak and pathetic I am. I need to change. I even invested in this dating program which I have listened to and think is a joke. But really, what do I have to lose with trying it, except that it will be a totally different way of thinking for me. It's going to feel like I'm playing a game and I can't stand that. I've dated a lot of guys and there's a reason why I haven't been in a relationship in 4 years. I'd love to continue to blame the guys, but I can't. I need to take responsibility and figure out what I'm doing wrong because I'm tired or these dead ends and constant disappointments. Wish me luck...