Your Life's Direction

I recently purchased a program called "The Modern Siren". I'm not really sure how I feel about it. Some of the points have validity, but there are some visualization tools that seem a little strange to me. I'm not sure how or why they would be used. Two things that the speaker, Rori Raye, talked about when I was listening today really made me think:

• Look at a man as an opportunity to heal your past (consider any dates or relationships with a man free therapy!)
• You can see a progression in how you are on the inside by the guys that show up on the outside.

The second point really hit home. I've been doing a lot of work on myself for a long time, but it's been 4 years since I've been in a long term relationship. Until hearing that last point, I thought I had made some pretty good progress. Now, I'm not so sure. Thinking about Mr. Army makes me wonder since I've dating other guys that have clearly shown more interest. Why am I putting up with it or even thinking about it? Why don't I just tell him things aren't progressing the way I would like and say goodbye? That says something, and once again it comes back to my confidence and esteem (or lack thereof!). I know I deserve the best and to be treated like a queen. I know I'm a good person: compassionate, caring, fun to be around, responsible, etc. etc. and that any guy should feel lucky to have me around.....So why can't I act like that? This is the basis of "The Modern Siren" program. Apparently, Sirens are a part of mythology and were angelic women that were able to draw men to them with their strong, feminine vibes and nothing else. I'm going to try to put in place at least some of the strategies in this program since I might as well try something different!

My trip to Virginia to visit my best friend's twins really made me think about where I am in my life right now. My friend and I have had similar dating experiences but she is now married to a great guy and has the babies that she has been dreaming of. I'm so happy for her because she definitely deserves all of this happiness! On the other hand, her happiness has made me think more seriously about my life and how dissatisfied I am. I started my teaching job 11 years ago which was probably the last "big" thing to happen in my life. Since that time, I have experienced everyone else's life changing, except mine....so, what's the deal? My whole teaching career has been spent in one place, but after this school year, that will be coming to an end. My precious school will be closing and my close-knit family will transfer and be absorbed into a much larger, more complicated school. I am missing my friend and her twins terribly, sick of this winter weather, and dreading the end of this school year. It seems like this is a crossroad in my life and I am really wondering what direction my life should take...

WTF

So, I decided to call this post "WTF" because well, WTF! Apparently, the phone call didn't scare off Mr. Army because he called last Monday on his way back here.  He didn't seem too upset about the Facebook thing, which I think is weird. Personally, I'd be pretty ticked off! He told me he dated that girl about a year ago. You mean, you started dating her a year ago because she posted a picture of the two of you from this past fall!?

I asked him if he had any thoughts on the other messages and he said he liked me and liked spending time with me too. Okay...well.....that's why we haven't seen each other in almost three weeks???  I told him that I know he's been busy with work, but that he can call or text any time which would make me feel better knowing that he was at least thinking about me. I also told him that I didn't need anything to be sugarcoated and that I just wanted to be told the truth. He also agreed that he wanted the same in return. I reiterated again that if he wasn't that interested in me, it was okay, that I just wanted to know the truth. He said he wasn't dating anyone here or back home. I also asked why I don't hear from him on the weekends and got a lame response back. He's busy with his mom or at the Army base, etc....ok, whatever! I know it takes too much time to send his typical one word or phrase text! Ha! I feel like he wanted to see me that night, but didn't ask because I told him I was leaving for Virginia the next morning. I never even mentioned it because we haven't talked, so I think he was a little surprised. He told me to let him know that I got there safely. So confusing!

On Tuesday, I flew to Virginia for the week. That night around 6:30, I was deleting old text messages when to my surprise, Mr. Army called! I was so shocked! Turns out, he was returning my call (or was he???) because he asked if I called and then said he had a missed called from me. No, I didn't call. I felt so crappy saying that and so bummed out thinking he was calling because of what we talked about the night before. I almost started crying! I told him that I was surprised that he was calling. He seemed a little offended. He asked why and I said because of the time of day (since he was at work). What I really wanted to say is I was surprised since his communication is inconsistent! My phone didn't show that I called him but the friends I was visiting with in Virginia, without knowing what the other person said, thought he was calling to check on me, but didn't want to admit it. I don't know. Mr. Army seems to be playing the game well without doing something like that. On Thursday night he sent me a text asking how my week was going. It was very difficult, but I didn't respond until the next evening. As of now, I haven't heard from him. I guess he didn't get that it bothers me not to hear from him over the weekends! Duh!

I'm finishing the dating CD that I bought and plan on following The Rules. Mr. Army seems like a lost cause and I'm pretty much fed up. I just need someone else to date and then I can say goodbye!

Another One Bites the Dust....?

Well, I have had some questions about Mr. Army. Why don't I hear from him on weekends? Why can he be so inconsistent when responding to text messages? Why is he bothering to call or text once a week when he really doesn't act all that interested otherwise? I still don't know the answer to those questions. My mind, of course has many different answers, but who knows what is right. I'm not sure why I keep attracting men that don't seem to be interested in me more than a few months. I tried to do things differently this time. So much for trying to be upfront about eventually wanting a relationship. I haven't even slept with the guy! Have I been too available? Why is it so wrong to see a guy when he's got free time and I'm not busy or answer the phone when he calls or respond to a text message when he writes to me? I know, there needs to be a challenge, some mystery, but when I like someone, I just want to show that and I want the same thing back from him. I can't stand playing games...some people may say it's not a game, but it feels like that to me.

As of today, I haven't seen Mr. Army in two weeks and four days. He's supposedly been training and working late. The week before Valentine's Day, I talked to him on the phone once and got a few text messages, but nothing in depth (as usual). That weekend, for some reason I had a pretty strong feeling that I wouldn't hear from him again. Valentine's Day came and he sent me a text wishing me a happy day and asking what I was up to that week (a complete surprise). He called late that night. I sent him a text the next day (Tuesday) and he replied with a one word response on Thursday. I didn't write back. Yes, I know, something is going on. I get it, even though I really don't. The hardest thing has been discovering weeks ago that he has a Facebook page, created by it seems, a scorned lover. The only post on his Wall is a warning to all ladies not to date him. Great! I've wanted to talk to him for weeks about it (his ex is obviously a little nuts at least!), as well as ask him where we stand, yet we haven't seen each other. Figures, I finally want to talk to a guy and not text, and we don't see each other. I know this situation is a waste of time, but in true "Stacy No Confidence nor Strength" fashion, I ended up calling him over the weekend and leaving him a message about the Facebook thing, as well as telling him how I've been feeling confused about things. It's not like we spent a lot of time together, but I was starting to like him a lot. Really though, I know I deserve better and I should be able to let this go. The phone call pretty much sealed the deal as far as not hearing from him again. I don't know why I can't just end something with a guy which is what I should have done here instead of the phone call. I guess I always want to believe there is hope and things aren't they way they seem.

Why do I do that??? I should be able to just let it go. He's obviously not interested in me! It's not like we spent a lot of time together, but I was starting to like him a lot. Really though, I know I deserve better and I should be able to let this go. I should be able to move on and not think twice, but instead I make myself anxious over it. I stay up half the night planning out what I want to say when we talk. I daydream about how I wish things could be different. It's absolutely ridiculous and then I end up feeling terrible about how weak and pathetic I am. I need to change. I even invested in this dating program which I have listened to and think is a joke. But really, what do I have to lose with trying it, except that it will be a totally different way of thinking for me. It's going to feel like I'm playing a game and I can't stand that. I've dated a lot of guys and there's a reason why I haven't been in a relationship in 4 years. I'd love to continue to blame the guys, but I can't. I need to take responsibility and figure out what I'm doing wrong because I'm tired or these dead ends and constant disappointments. Wish me luck...

Update!

Heard from Mr. Army the same night I updated my last blog post! Just a few texts...he was still in Colorado at the time, but he did say that they were not allowed to have phones. Nice to know he was thinking about me!

Welcome Back!

Wow! It's been 2 years since I've blogged. A lot has happened since then. Of course, I'm still single and dating and in my 30s! If I had kept up with this thing, I probably could've written some very entertaining blogs, but alas those experiences have faded (thank goodness!). So, instead of trying to remember all the details, I'll just briefly summarize the experiences I've had since then...Here we go....

• Met a man on the internet, texted every day, hung out a few times, bad communication (and my own insecurities) led to miscommunication which resulted in him threatening to call the police if I ever tried to contact him again. Now THAT was a first!
• Another fine evening out in Schenectady with my PIC (Partner in Crime) led to....meeting some freak at Bombers's who ended up passing out at the bar next to us. Eventually he was asked to leave and escorted out. We made our way to another bar so my PIC could use the potty. During this time, I had a brief conversation with a cute, but clearly drunk guy. He asked me to go to another bar, but I declined since we were on our way to our "trouble spot". After making our way to our final destination of the evening, who do I run into, but that same guy! We had some conversation, ended up in the "apartment" and dated for about a month. I enjoyed getting my Dunkin Donuts coffee in the morning before work, as well as his sweet kitty cats, but didn't enjoy the fact that he was an alcoholic! The night "the alcoholic" told me we'd hang out and then I never heard from him, I went to our "trouble spot" and met....
• Lots of guys!!! Don't mean to brag, but my cousin and I were on FiRe! Men, men, men! Yep, sorry Scuba, but we've got it, so deal with it! So, that night my cousin and I talked to a variety of men...I ended up VERY drunk (not smart) and passed out up in the "apartment" where I later had company from a pretty cute guy. He claimed to be interested in me at the time, even asked The Alcoholic if he minded if he and I hung out.  He invited me to a friend's BBQ, even after the day before when he drove my brand new car and pulled it over so I could puke!) We hung out a few times, including a couple times that I went to see him at work (aka. "The Trouble Spot"). I made a lot of mistakes with this guy. Long story short, we hung out, then I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks...out of the blue he calls and apologizes saying he wants to keep hanging out...well, that was the last time I heard from him. Is there a REAL MAN out there??? If you're not interested, just tell me! No need for games or blowing me off...k??
• Sooooooo....the next guy would've been perfect...he had a job, apartment right in Glenville, a motorcycle, wanted a relationship and family, and....was into ME!!! So, the problem??? I was seriously anxious about seeing him naked one day! As much as I wanted to be into him, I just didn't feel chemistry...go figure!
• Thanks to Match.com I got to see Bon Jovi at SPAC. It was awesome...the guy I was with on the other hand...NOT so awesome. After what I thought was a really great date in Saratoga, Roadrash asked me to go to the concert. We waited forever in line, but he was very cuddly and sweet during the long wait to enter the park. We had a great time singing and dancing during the concert and a pretty heavy make-out session in my driveway afterwards. A few days later, we were supposed to get together, but he ended up canceling...and I never heard from him again.Strange considering he told me he had decided to look on Match.com one more time although he was pretty much done with the whole internet dating thing and only continued because of me. Oh well, the rubbing and chaffing of my upper lip from his unshaven 5 o'clock shadow was enough!
• At the end of the summer, July 2010, I went to a BBQ. I wasn't going to go, but decided I'd attend for a few hours...well, surprise, surprise, I met a guy who I ended up dating for 2 months...the longest yet, since 2006. I know....ridiculous! Anyway, he texted me everyday. We hung out a decent amount of times, and unfortunately, were "romantic" together. After two months, I wanted to make sure that we were on the same page. "Yes," he said, "we are..." A week later, he ended things. He said he realized he couldn't be in a relationship since he was miserable with his job situation and didn't know if he would even be living in this area....Relationship Speak: "I just don't want a relationship with you." Really, I'd just like to be told the truth, no lies or sugarcoating! Thanks! 
• That dude definitely hurt me. He totally acted like he was interested in me and that we wanted the same things, so I really couldn't believe it was over. I was pretty depressed for awhile too. Luckily, at the end of October 2010, I had a wedding to attend. I knew it would be a blast too and take my mind off things! And thanks to one of my BFFs, I ended up meeting a great guy, her cousin! 
• Yep, she sat us at the same table together and we hit it off just like she thought we would. I even got a hotel room instead of driving home after the wedding and I did not spend the night alone! This guy is great...family man, funny, good-looking, and as he told me "wants to be loved again". Great, huh??? Except...he lives in California!!! Figures!!! The way I see it though, he is newly divorced and probably wants to see what is out there. Even if we did live closer, he'd probably break my heart anyway! We continue to keep in touch and he is planning on visiting this summer, so I guess we'll see what happens...I've learned to keep my options open!

So now we come to the present....well, I'll back track a little. Two days before Thanksgiving, I went out for a friend's birthday and ended up meeting a guy. I started the conversation and wasn't even thinking about anything more happening between us other than talking that night. He ended up asking if I wanted to get together again. Fast forward two months...this guy seems very sweet. He's 40 and has never been married. He is in the Army National Guard and will be stationed in the area for two years. It's taken me some time to get used to his personality, but I do like him and enjoy spending time with him. Of course, there is a catch...for some reason my love life and relationships can never be easy. He works ALL THE TIME and many hours a day. There hasn't been much of an opportunity to go out and do things together. Plus, he doesn't stay in this area during the weekends. He has been away for close to two weeks and I haven't heard from him. I am really trying to do things differently with this guy...trying not to get too worried when I don't hear from him, trying not to put in too much more than I'm getting, and I haven't given up "the cookie". I told him several times what I was looking for (not to rush, to get to know each other and see where things went, no sex until I'm in a relationship) and I have still heard from him... so far, so good I suppose. The true test will be when he comes home this weekend. Will I hear from him again or not?

Stay tuned.....